Gondor, Elves, and Evil Rings of Power
by GreenCat3
Summary: Confessions of Boromir of Gondor. Based on the Georgia Nicolson books. -Discontinued. Enjoy the OOC crackiness.-
1. Boring questy thing

Gondor, Elves, and Evil Rings of Power: Confessions of Boromir of Gondor

Archived by GreenCat3

Disclaimer: This is a knockoff of the mega fab Georgia Nicolson series by Louise Rennison. Am using British slang, funny bits from the books, and snogging scale. Expect sequels.

I'm just the archivist. This and the others were found near the Red Book of Westmarch, Tolkien just didn't use them. I own nothing (although my venison [haha, deer, dear…agh, ferget it] mutti and I are convinced that I am a ballistic reincarnated cross between Roald Dahl and J.R.R. Tolkien, both of whom I hold in very high esteem). I do wish I owned Boromir, however. (If you're unsure what to get me for Chrimboli, check my disclaimers and you will make me a very happy authoress ;.) Some things I have changed from the original narrative, such as day and month names, which were of course in Elvish and would only serve to confuse. This is quite OOC, and as such is the antithesis of all "designated misogynistic bastard" fics where Boromir is the DMB, just the other end of the pendulum swing, so he's kind of impish as he pranks Faramir and others.

And so I say to you: Funpops! Fromagerie! Foobug! Ni! Enjoy the fic, all, and don't forget to do your part for the world by kicking a wet, useless idiot (90% of my school)!

Chapter 1: Boring questy thing

Monday June 14th

7:05 am

I hate Mondays.

7:15 am

This is why. Orcs decided to attack Osgiliath. Again.

7:16 am

Do they not have lives?!

9:00 pm

Hahaha, not anymore they don't. I took care of that.

Monday June 21st

impromptu councilly thing

4:30 pm

All because of that stupid dream I have to go to Elfyland, also known as Rivendell. Faramir looked like he was about to have a nervy spaz when Dad (I call him vati; some sort of Rohirric wotsit or something) said he couldn't go, which I think is rather unreasonable on his part as Faramir is the only one who actually gives two short flying Orcs' heads about elves.

4:40 pm

Still, I can hold this over him forever.

5:00 pm

Hahahahahahaha.

Sunday July 4th

9:00 am

Oh bugger on a stick, I don't want to do this.

9:05 am

Maybe I can have pretend lurgy.

9:06 am

Or Boredtodeathitis.

9:07 am

Bah, I'd better get up.

9:10 am

Can't be bothered.

9:15 am

Oh bloody hell, Faramir's been sent to wake me up.

He threw a book at me! That's caring, isn't it? Well then again I had just told him to get stuffed and that I was not in a trillion ages going on the questy thing. But that still does not solve the fact that I am about to go the Valar know how far away for something that he should be doing and in the meantime be bored out of my mind by elfy-types. Sad really.

9:30 am

brekkers

Am eating sugar-filled foods to cheer up.

9:35 am

Not working.

11:00 am

After saying goodbye to all, have left Minas Tirith on my boring quest.

11:30 am

Boredom setting in.

Friday July 9th

            7:00 am

            Have been sleeping in my clothes, mainly because I don't want Orcs sneaking up on me in my jimjams.

            7:03 am

            Do Orcs have jimjams?

            7:04 am

            And slumber parties?

            7:30 am

            Oh Valar, that's a scary thought.

            7:31 am

            Eurgh, Orcs exchanging beauty tips and painting their nails.

            "What do you think about Man-flesh for my nails, Loretta?"

            "No, it doesn't suit you, Rosaline, I think Elf Blood looks much better on you."

            "Would you like to try some of my Rotting Meat lip gloss?"

            "_Would_ I?"

            Aaaargh, get out get out get out! I do _not_ need that in my head right now! Or ever for that matter! The twisted things my mind makes up that I could do without, I tell ya…

Wednesday July 7th

            3:00 pm

            I have officially sung every song I know.

Thursday July 8th

            9:05 pm

            In Elvish.

            9:06 pm

            I'll never make it.


	2. Boring questy thing part two: the remix!

Mucho thankeros to Simbelmyrne, Lady Lanet, and Meg-a-millions. Still wondering about fire and lawns…

Chapter 2: Boring questy thing part two: The remix!

Saturday August 14th

            4:00 am

            Well that cracks it. My horse is gone. If he were here we could at least play pictionary or something.

            4:45 am

            I would kill myself, but I can't be bothered.

            5:04 am

            Hey ho, the life of a Steward-son.

Tuesday August 17th

            6:09 pm

            I wish they would hurry up and invent the airplane.

            Or the car.

            6:10 pm

            What in the name of Morgoth's tea set am I talking about?

Wednesday September 1st

            noon

            All aloney. On my owney.

            12:01 pm

            Nobody in Rivendell knows where I am.

            12:04 pm

            Nobody at home knows where I am.

            12:30 pm

            I am like a mirage. In a tunic.

Thursday September 2nd

            11:35 am

            Vati always said that I was exceptionally mad. Here's an example: When I was small and silly, my first word was not "mum" or "dad" but "tree". Understandably, Vati kept me away from the Court of the Fountain for a while.

            When I was ten (ish), I became a pyromaniac. I burned _everything_. Clothes, papers, Faramir's hair, you name it. Vati thought it was all well and good and a normal bit of growing up until I tried to set fire to _his_ head. Then I spent a lot of time getting acquainted with my room.

            Understandably I was a bit depressed and upset over the death of my mum, so I still think there was no reason to ground me.

            I don't think that Faramir remembers (he probably repressed that bit), but his subconscious does. I've distinctly noticed that he edges away from me whenever I have fire. He did get his own back, though, by making me apologize to him in front of Mithrandir.

            Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Ohmyvalar ohmyvalar ohmyvalar. Hahahahahahahahahaha. What a loon. Hahahahahahahahahaha.

Thursday September 23rd

            4:03 pm

            Whoo! Been v. busy fighting off Orcish types.

            6:17 pm

            Does Faramir miss me?

            6:20 pm

            Does Dad miss me?

            6:21 pm

            I hope so.

            10:05 pm

            I have got a prat and a swot for a brother.

Friday September 24th

            noon

            I have a feeling that I should be there in a month or so.

            If I'm lucky.

            12:01 pm

            Which as everyone knows I am most definitely not.

As I am most definitely a conspiracy theorist, I have a strong belief that Giovanni (head oft Team Rocket for those of us not proficient in Pokemon) is Ash's father. Something like that was alluded to in the Pokemon LIVE! show I saw a few years back. Scary bananas.

_            And now back to your regularly scheduled oddness!_


	3. Not as boring as some might think

Chapter three: Not as boring as some might think…

Monday October 18th

            4:13 pm

            Almost there…whoo, I really need a wash. Once I get to the Ford of Bruinen I can get all clean.

Saturday October 23rd

            10:09 am

            Ah, the Ford at last. Now I can get all squeaky clean.

            Oh-oh, dead, rotting horses and some black cloaks. I have a sneaking suspicion that something horrible happened here, but I can't be stuffed to care. The poncy elves will know all about it, I bet.

            11:14 am

            Typico.

            Ah well, nice and clean…

Sunday October 24th

            7:05 pm

            Elfyland (aka Poncy elf-a-gogo land)

Civilization at last…well, elves at any rate. I saw Elrond (king of the elves in drag, hahaha) and he told me that I had a room ready and asked me to attend this council tomorrow morning where "all your problems will be explained". I would speak Elvish but sadly, not only am I not an elf, they would also maim me for mangling their language. Also I am too lazy and tired and road-weary to bother.

7:10 pm

            Eru almighty, now I remember why I wanted Faramir to come. Not only are elves poncy, they're boring to boot. As I have told both Faramir and Vati multiple times, I am NOT a diplomat. Sadly they do not realize this and send me off to the land of the drag-wearing elves. Well, I will not go out of my way to make life pleasant for either of them when I get back.

            7:11 pm

            If I get back.

            8:50 pm

            Was just in the Hall of Mural-ness (well, I call it that, they call it…something else…) and I was looking at the pretty murals depicting Isildur severing the Ring (and several fingers) from Sauron's (aka Mr. Spiky's) hand when I saw this ranger reading a book (probably only looking at the pictures…hahaha I can be hilariously cutting when I try). He looked like he had recently had his first bath in weeks, which was a plus. So anyway, we struck up a conversation (ish) and I picked up the hilt of Narsil.

            "The shards of Narsil," I said. "The blade that cut the Ring from Sauron's hand." I gripped the hilt and ran my finger along the edge of the remaining blade like a prat. One wouldn't really expect a 3000 year old sword fragment to still be sharp, but it was, and now I'm pretty sure I'll have an interesting fingertip scar from now on. But back to the story.

            "Still sharp." I looked with wonder at the ranger, and then Vati's blood took hold. "But no more than a broken heirloom," I growled, placed the sword hilt back on the table, and began to walk away.

            Unfortunately I had placed it precariously and the stupid thing fell off, clattering on the floor. I looked back, then ignored it and went to my room.

            Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow. Crapsticks, this hurts. Why do superficial little owies like this hurt more than deep, cleaving slashes? The world may never know. My punishment for treating Narsil with little to no respect, I guess. I think I have a hemorrhage, and considering that I don't even know what that means it's probably pretty bad.

            9:10 pm

            Faramir probably knows. What I wouldn't give for some non-elf company aside from that ranger. He's as good as an elf himself, anyway.

            9:15 pm

            Hmm. Then again so is my dear baby bro.

            9:16 pm

            He'd probably be having a grand old time here, chatting it up with some elves, in Elvish of course. Tosser.

            9:20 pm

            I cannot _believe_ that we are related, although he does have my good looks, and I am not kidding. I'm not self-obsessed or anything, but everyone says that I am seriously good-looking. Including my pater.

            Then again he never hesitates to praise me and chastise Farars in the same breath, so I'm not sure.

            9:40 pm

            Haha, Farars. I remember when he used to call me Borors and I called him Farars. Good times.

            9:42 pm

            If I remember correctly that was before my pyromaniac stage. Must have been, because that's what mum called us.

            11:30 pm

            Got bored, and went out for a walk. I was silently stalking around in the cool night air and such when I came upon this bridge. The ranger and some elf (who I understand to be drag queen's daughter) were standing on the bridge talking. The elf gave Ranger a pendant and then they snogged! Hilarious, really. I think they may have gotten up to six (tongues). I said "Erlack" in a nice way, meaning "Oh dear, I am sorry I intruded on your snog fest and will pretend to leave but really continue watching from a distance," but they were so wrapped up in each other that they didn't even notice. Hahahahahahahahahaha.

            Elfyland is not as boring as some might think.

            midnight

            Hahahahahahahahaha. Oh, Manwë in Oiolossë (yes, I have studied the Ainulindalë, Valaquenta, Quenta Silmarillion, and the Akallabêth). Hahahahahahaha. That was just_ too_ funny.

            1:08 am

            Should I tell Elrond?

            1:08 am and 30 secs

            Nah…__


End file.
